Perhaps I'm just an automaton, after all

    Maybe it's the truest sign of my social awkwardness, but I always thought living and loving without an agenda was my one unquestionably good quality. Early in my life -- through brutal lessons in rejection -- my mother taught me that dealing in subtleties often lead to misunderstanding and frustration and needless pain. So, that particular form of intimate diplomacy was an art I never cultivated.

    Over the years, it's gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion, but, on the whole, I've been happy that I don't know how to play the game. Yes, I've been humiliated, and, yes, I've unintentionally hurt the feelings of those I care about. But above all, I've striven to be honest.

    I thought that was the most important thing. It would seem I thought wrong.

    Although it probably wasn't my mother's intention that I take anything away from those exchanges (I doubt she even remembers them) other than my physical presence, I learned to say what I mean and, in some instances, to do it quickly. Because I never knew when I would get another chance to say, "I love you" or "I need a hug" or even, "I'm angry with you for not showing up for your last visitation."

    When I got older, I applied that same logic to romantic relationships, and persisted even when it left me feeling vulnerable or red-faced. Not long after, I learned the value of silence. It was preferable, I figured, not to risk burning bridges with people who were dear to me.

    I have since realized both have their flaws. When I was with the Architect, the greatest hurt he inflicted on me, was when he accused me (and he often did) of speaking in code, of sending hidden messages -- "All women do it," he told me. It made me angry beyond words and cut into my heart -- he may as well have screamed out "liar!", as I saw it -- until I resorted to quiet. Until I figured out it was senseless to argue with a distrustful man, twenty years my senior, whose insecurities would never allow him to accept my love.

    I never expected to revisit a time when a friend wouldn't take me at face value. Last night, I did. and it made me angry beyond words and cut into my heart. And the worst part is, this time I know it is because I failed to understand the signs, apparently glowing like neon for the rest of the world. Because I never learned to play the game.